🙋♂️ Welcome to Duffel Blog’s free edition! We’re thrilled to have you here, but let’s get something straight: this newsletter isn’t powered by unicorns or government funding. It’s powered by paid subscribers—and a lot of coffee. Here’s the deal: if Duffel Blog vanished tomorrow, who would keep the military laughing? Your crusty old first sergeant? Your commander? Yeah, we didn’t think so. For just $5/month, you can unlock exclusive stories, 4,000+ articles in the archives, and the warm, fuzzy feeling of knowing you’re supporting a team of military veterans doing important satirical work (you know, like making fun of the Space Force). Don’t let us be the next “good idea cut in the budget.” Upgrade to paid now and help us keep the laughs coming. Thank you for being part of the Duffel Blog family—and for considering helping us pay for all those server fees, coffee runs, and emotional therapy for writers who had to read the comments. Elon Musk appoints Donald Trump as Commander-in-ChiefMusk emphasized that Trump’s leadership would bring “business savvy” to future military operations.
MAR-A-LAGO, Fla. — Tesla founder Elon Musk announced on Monday that Donald Trump will serve as commander-in-chief for the next four years, describing the decision as a “logical step forward for democracy—or at least what’s left of it after we’re done.” The announcement is the latest in a series of moves Musk has made on behalf of the 47th president-elect, following his reported $250 million contribution to secure Trump’s victory in November’s presidential election. In his new role, Trump will oversee the United States military and state militias when activated by Congress to combat domestic terrorism, including “ketamine-induced demons inside Elon’s head.” “He’ll be doing a lot of fighting over the next four years,” an anonymous source told Duffel Blog. “Mostly with Elon’s demons and the infighting within our own political party, but still, plenty to fight over.” Musk emphasized that Trump’s leadership would bring “business savvy” to future military operations, pointing to his previous experience overseeing conflicts at Miss Universe pageants. Trump is already reportedly weighing plans to use military and “economic force” against countries like Canada, Greenland, and the Panama Canal. “Greenland is practically begging for it,” Trump said, lounging in his Mar-a-Lago residence hours after being inducted as the newest President of the United States. “They’ve got all this ice, beautiful ice, doing nothing. Canada’s got that big, empty middle part. Tremendous empty. And the Panama Canal? The Panama Canal should be relinquished by Panamania and given back to our great nation. Two weeks, we’ll have it done.” Trump’s supervisor, however, has bigger plans. Sources close to Musk say the billionaire turned oligarch sees military invasions of sovereign nations as “mere stepping stones” to a larger goal: creating a fully privatized military under a hybrid Tesla-SpaceX banner. “Good, gooood,” the once-lauded tech giant was overheard muttering over Trump’s shoulder. “Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.” Musk reportedly envisions future wars fought not with traditional weapons but with a combination of Starlink satellites and Tesla’s fleet of autonomous Cybertrucks, which he assured reporters would be “mostly bulletproof.” “It’s not just about war—it’s about innovation,” Musk said, describing plans to offer “premium war packages” for $8 a month. These would allow subscribers to vote on which countries the U.S. should invade next, making war efforts more “crowdsourced” and “engaging for everyday Americans.” Critics have called the move to appoint Trump commander in chief a blatant power grab designed to distract from Musk’s mounting legal troubles and Trump’s declining cognitive abilities. Musk dismissed the criticism, saying, “The country should trust my decision to install a 34-count felon found liable for sexual abuse to lead the men and women of our Armed Forces.” At press time, Musk was finalizing a list of other countries to invade at dinner while Trump sat quietly at the kid’s table coloring.
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Elon Musk appoints Donald Trump as Commander-in-Chief
January 20, 2025
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